Ectopic Pregnancy: Life in the Midst of Loss

Trigger warning: The blog post contains a personal account of ectopic pregnancy loss.

This year has not gone according to any hypothetical plan I had mapped out in my mind. If you read my New Year’s resolution blog post, you might already know that starting a new year makes me anxious. I tend to brace myself for all the hardships that could potentially come my way in the next year. Unfortunately, 2022 seems to have amplified that fear as I’ve been walking through loss.

Before I share, I want to provide the caveat that sharing this does not come easily. In fact, everything in me fought against typing out this post because it is very vulnerable to do so. I am the type of person that processes life’s situations by sharing them with others, but I also share this account in hopes that it will help another mama feel less alone.

The Journey

On Valentine’s Day, my husband and I found out that we were expecting our fourth baby. We’ve always looked forward to having a big family, so we were really excited. But things seemed different and off from the outset. I had odd, out-of-the-ordinary pregnancy symptoms and lacked my normal severe morning sickness. I thank God for these intuitions because they prepared my heart for the months to follow.

It took awhile for us to get into the doctor for an early scan, mostly because we found out so early on in the pregnancy. But in early March, we finally found ourselves in an ultrasound room. When they zoomed in on my uterus, our fears were confirmed – my uterus was empty. Something else wasn’t empty, though. They found a mass in my fallopian tube and diagnosed me with an ectopic pregnancy.

Less than a week later, I found myself in the ER with concerning symptoms. At that point I received an injection to help the resolution of the pregnancy so as to prevent rupture and life-threatening bleeding. During the process, I went back to the ER two more times. And while my hormones are back to acceptable levels and the mass is gone, healing is far from over.

Fast Forward to Today

It will take months for my body to heal, as there is still much progress to be made before it finds its new normal. But I take hope that there are many good things to come.

This season has been one of pain, stress, and sorrow but also one of thankfulness and safety. I’ve been reminded through the loss just how special my daughters and husband are to me. I was well aware of this before but sometimes grief has the ability to amplify things we take for granted. I am blessed to have my beautiful family.

A Source of Extra Joy

In an attempt to find an extra dose of joy during this hard season, we brought home a new family member. Meet Magnus, our 4 month old Basset Hound puppy. Soon after confirming that my pregnancy was an ectopic pregnancy, I expressed to my husband that I desired a pick-me-up to help carry me through the grief. We had been considering a puppy for months but delayed that decision due to the anticipated challenges of pregnancy and newborn life. Now that we are in a season of pause in having more children, we decided this was the perfect time to bring home a puppy for our kids to grow up with. And what a joy he has been. His sweet, mellow, and cuddly demeanor has been the perfect fit for our loud, expressive family!

To our angel baby,

We love you. Even though we never had the opportunity to meet or see you, we take comfort in the fact that you were born into the arms of Jesus. We look forward to the day when we get to hold you!